Will Run For Ice Cream

This post contains affiliate links.  I took a little break from writing. It wasn't planned. It sort of just happened. I didn't have anything to say. I know shocking right?!?! But I've been dealing with some stuff, and I haven't really been able to work through some of my feelings until lately when I realized that what I've been feeling is FEAR. Fear is such an ugly word... not one that I really knew had such a big hold on me... but it does. So for the last month or so I've allowed fear to rule my life... to the point that I'm wasn't sleeping because of nightmares. I'll spare you my long laundry list of fears, but I'll say that my health has been near the top of the list. Because of that, I allowed myself to spiral down a dark path of allowing fear to creep in many what felt like at times most areas of my life. That being said,

Amy here.. and I'd just like to admit that I am my own worst enemy. Yep... me... sure from time to time people will throw in a cross word here or there... but usually it's me who abuses me. It's me who allows other's opinions to keep me from following a dream. I honestly don't want to remember all of the abusive self talk that I've told myself. The reality is .... it's lies... all of it. Those negative, fearful, hateful antagonist words are lies. For me, I believe they come from fear. It's often the fear of failure that keeps me from trying. And it's often my negative self talk that tears down my self confidence. So what am I going to do about it?

No one has a clue just how hard it is to be me sometimes. I'm supposed to be running a race right now. Instead, I'm staring a computer screen through tears. Why? ... fear.. anxiety... unsure of the exact location where the race was being held.. but it all comes down to fear .

I've debated whether to put this out there - because once I say it out loud - well it's so official. And honestly, I've really struggled with my self confidence in running for over a year now. It's no secret that I've struggled, but I don't think many people really know just how much of a struggle it's been. I've never been 'in this place' with running where I have zero confidence in myself. My nagging hamstring injury is still there. I've found that it really doesn't like speed, and when I attempt to run faster, I pay for it in the long run. But if I listen to my body and rest as needed, modify as needed, I am able to run - and I have been - it's just at times sporadic. But as I got back on the trail a couple of weeks ago, the excitement of the unknown, the thrill of nature, and the views really just gave my heart a nice happy sigh. And I realized....

Really, I can't find my way out of a paper bag. I am that bad with directions. But there was this trail that I wanted to check out. There was an old stone tower, and 'the general' (an old steam engine), and rocks galore. I had a guide that I found from the internet, but even with this it took me 3 or 4 tries to find the trail entrance. Hubby helped me find it last night after dinner. And even this morning I still struggled to find it. I was discouraged, but he encouraged me to keep looking.  Honestly, I was scared about doing the hike. I have a hard enough time sticking to one trail, but this trail went from blue, to pink, to red, to yellow, to blue.. you get the picture. But hubby's last words to me were "You can do this. I know you can do it". So I took off. First I had to cross a creek.

For a very long time, I let fear ( and comparison ) stop me. So the fact that I'm still running, pushing past my comfort zone, and finding a stronger me feels good - really good. ( Don't Let Fear Stop You ) But I won't lie, it's not easy. And there are some days that I have to literally give myself a very persuading pep talk to get out the door. Sometimes Hubby chimes in with encouragement. Sometimes I'll think of Lil Man and how I don't want him to be held back from doing things that he enjoys because of fear. Look at what I would have missed this week if I would have let fear stop me?

If you've been anywhere near me, then you know that I fell a couple of weeks ago ( It Was Bound To Happen ) and then this week I Faced My Fear After Falling by hiking on the trail that fell on. But, the truth is, I was scared to run. In fact, instead of getting on the trails this weekend, I was going to stick to road running. It was the 'safer' less intimidating choice. However, deep down, I knew that at some point I needed to run again on the trails, and I just needed to push through the fear and do it. So, Saturday, I went to the Appalachian Trail. I took it VERY slow. I was super cautious (walked where I've normally ran) but I stumbled a time or two, and I just couldn't imagine falling on the already tender knee. It took me about a mile or so, but I finally started to relax and enjoy the views. I was almost to table rock, when I rounded the corner and running toward me on the path was a BEAR CUB!

I'm not going to lie, there was a little ( ok, maybe more than a little ) fear about getting back on the trail. I know that this probably won't be my last fall ( It Was Bound To Happen ). But just touching my knee hurts, and there are still stitches, so I couldn't imagine how bad it would hurt if I actually fell on it today. But I also knew that I needed to face that fear. So I did. I went out this morning and hiked the exact same route that I fell on last week. I didn't run since this was my first time climbing since my fall, and it still hurts stepping down. There was a lot of wincing, and I stumbled a time or two, but I stayed on my feet. Whew!

To Run or Not to Run that's my question of the day. If you read my previous post ( When Your Run Doesn't Go as Planned ), then you know my run this weekend wasn't my best. In fact, it left me pretty sore. I had tenderness all afternoon on Saturday, and most of the day Sunday, I was sore in my hamstring area. Today, I'm walking without pain, and I was able to do lunges without discomfort. I haven't tried running yet. I plan to run either this evening ( probably not happening since I have zero energy in the evening s) or early morning tomorrow. I will have a better idea of how sore I am once I start running. But it got me to thinking that maybe I should

As I've said, this is not my first injury, but this one, well this one by far has been the worst. I think because there isn't an exact diagnosis. And because of the injury (hamstring), I'm having a hard time knowing the difference between normal soreness, slight pain, or abnorma l soreness. I was supposed to join some friends today for my first outside hilly run. But

Could it be? Was this just a fluke or was it for real? Is it possible that I am overcoming my fear of running solo in the dark? Today, I got up before anyone else could wake up. I snuck downstairs, got on the treadmill to get 1 mile before the crying began. (Lil Man - not me). He got his flu shot on Monday. He didn't sleep well last night. He was upset that his 'green light' on his clock wasn't on. He didn't want me to run. He did want me to run. Basic, 3 year old meltdown. It just happened to be at 5:40am.