Will Run For Ice Cream

Yeah... so last week I said that If I Need To Google It, I'm Not Eating It  and that lasted about..... a day... yep... I'd say about 24 hours. Because the reality is, in my life is not all or nothing. Sure, I suppose I could pack us healthier snacks ( and that's an area I'm trying to be more consistent with ), but my reality is sometimes McDonald's happens. Hey just keeping it real. And sometimes so does a sub from a local convenience store or a slice of pizza. And then once I messed up, the all or nothing attitude reared its ugly head! And wow hello to disordered eating. I found myself just eating junk because I felt that I had already blown it for the day. Soooooooo... what now?

When did food become my enemy? When did it become all or nothing? I'm over my calories so I might as well eat the entire cake instead of just a piece. When did it become about calories and grams and percentages? When did an app and a number dictate my life? When did I start looking at an apple and see 45-60 calories, a glass of milk 150 for whole, 90 for skim. I know these numbers in my head. I no longer see food - instead I see a calorie count. When was the last time that I ate without guilt, the last time that I sat down for a cheeseburger and fries and didn't think "I'll do better tomorrow"? When did a number start deciding my mood? When did I start setting a calorie goal for each day that I needed to keep? And then feeling like a failure if I didn't reach that goal? When was the last time that I just simply ate without over-analyzing what I was eating?

I've known for awhile that I've had a problem. I've seen the subtle signs, but lately I'm noticing some major red flags. To the point that I'm actually concerned for both my mental and physical health - I'm talking about sugar. See, for awhile now, I've been having joint pain in my hands. At times, to the point of tears. My joints have swollen 2 or 3 times the 'normal' size. When I could cut down on my sugar consumption, it would get better. And no, I haven't been to the doctor. And yes, I know that I probably should get checked out. But lately, my stress level has been through the roof. It's just been a combination of things - personal matters, life in general, too much stress on myself, feeling of inadequacy, lonely, and the list and stress contributors go on and on. But what I've found is that one candy bar (or serving of ice cream a day) isn't enough. I started consuming 2 ( or more ). My kid size ice cream turned into a s...