Will Run For Ice Cream

Finally ready to let you in on what I've been feeling... I mean I should have known. When I put on my clothes that fit last year but haven't worn them yet this year, and they were lets just say snug in all the wrong places. I mean, you can't run an entire 10K with your stomach sucked in can you? And eventually there is going to be a friend or a photographer somewhere who is going to snap that photo.. the one that makes me cringe. And I saw several this time from my Hershey 10K Actually it's basically one major problem area for me.. my stomach. I suppose we all have our areas of our bodies that we might not like. But it's an area for me that I'm very self conscious about, that I always try to hide, and lately well ... I've shed tears over. I'm struggling very much with body image as I write this...

I put off going to the doctor for 6 months to a year. Why? Because I didn't want to weigh on the scale. Wait a minute, hear me out. I didn't want to weigh on the scale because I was afraid that the doctor would say something to me about me weight. But after being close to a year late for my gynecological exam, I knew that I needed to go. It was silly not to get regular check-ups because of my being afraid the doctor would harp on my weight. So last January, I went. And.. yep... the first thing he asked me was was I still running? I had gained about 20lbs in a year. The weight needed to come off. I was considered overweight now and the comments went on and on. I left the office feeling dejected. And I vowed to lose the weight. I was going to do this. And I did.... for the most part.. I dropped down to the 111 or so range.. still above my 105 but still a loss. And I was miserable and obsessed and began hiding to binge eat ( no I didn't purge or develop bulimia, but I di...

If you are waiting for my weekly weigh-in, it's probably not going to happen. I don't want to step on the scale. Because the hard cold reality is that number dictates my mood. A number on a metal box will either make me feel happy or sad or a little of both. And I don't want to give that number that kind of control. And I'm currently not looking at measurements either or exactly how my clothes fit. Because the truth there is that they aren't loose or falling off of me. They are however fitting me different. And when I look in the mirror I am seeing a stronger version of myself. I'm seeing tiny muscles emerge that weren't there before. I feel strong. And I'm starting to see confidence... which is something that I have lacked for most of my life. But I still have problems with perspective. I posted a picture of me on instagram,

Well, I wasn't 'supposed' to weigh - it's part of the intuitive eating thing that you don't weigh. The reason? Well because it can cause binge mentality or back to dieting - which is basically what Intuitive eating isn't about. So I didn't weigh. I didn't plan to. I've felt the best that I've felt in a long time. Overall, I feel the last week was a success with my eating. I probably didn't listen to my body maybe 3 days last week. But for my first real week to give it 100%, I felt that was success. So I didn't want a number to dictate my mood. But I felt sooooo great and just knew that the scale had budged that I stepped on that evil little device.

When did food become my enemy? When did it become all or nothing? I'm over my calories so I might as well eat the entire cake instead of just a piece. When did it become about calories and grams and percentages? When did an app and a number dictate my life? When did I start looking at an apple and see 45-60 calories, a glass of milk 150 for whole, 90 for skim. I know these numbers in my head. I no longer see food - instead I see a calorie count. When was the last time that I ate without guilt, the last time that I sat down for a cheeseburger and fries and didn't think "I'll do better tomorrow"? When did a number start deciding my mood? When did I start setting a calorie goal for each day that I needed to keep? And then feeling like a failure if I didn't reach that goal? When was the last time that I just simply ate without over-analyzing what I was eating?

(confession time) Back in 2014, I took before pictures. I believed I tried a 30 day food challenge. And I never took an after picture. Why? Because I never made it through the 30 day food challenge. In fact, through 2015 I GAINED weight. I can't blame it all on injuries or lack of exercise. Basically, it's been my nutrition - my lack of proper nutrition. And after a year of struggling with weight gain and body image, I've decided it really is time that I do something about it... for me. I'm tired of feeling bleh.. and not liking the image looking back at me.

Take a good look - no really - take a really good look. (Yeah that's my son photobombing the pic on the bosu ball - he loves that thing -ha)  But no, what I really want you to look at is the picture of my stomach.  See that area of fat around my belly button? That's my 'problem area' - the area that I try to hide - the area that I crop out of pics - the reason that my clothes don't fit - my muffin top - my extra handfuls and then some. But look right above that area. See that line - the beginning of muscle definition - that wasn't there 4 weeks ago. That 'line' didn't exist. I'm not holding 'anything in' and that purple mark underneath my hand is where I painted over what I couldn't tell if it was my boob or the underside of my bra - so I covered it just in case.  I want you to look at this picture, really look at it, because I want you to realize something.