When Pictures Don't Lie

I told you previously that I was struggling with some things (I Have A Confession To Make About My Weight) so when I saw the race pic from the Rothrock 10K (Recap of the race here) - I really shouldn't have been surprised to see the harsh reality.

But the reality was a little too real if you know what I mean. And it also explains why running and working out is so much harder for me lately (the added weight gain).

So, I decided I had to do something. I felt desperate and I decided that I had to diet. No, I mean I have to cut calories or something. I have to do something. I have to see results and fast.

So, I logged into my old trusty MyFitnessPal. (Now, let me say. Tracking works for thousands of people I'm sure (if not more). I do believe the calories in / calories out can work. So if this method works for you, by all means keep on keeping on. I think the reality is that everyone has to find what works for them. And we are all uniquely different.)

Day 1 went so-soish. Day 2 I was hungry. No really, I was hungry. You could hear my stomach growling. I reached for a peach, but I wouldn't let myself have it.
Or cheese, or an egg or anything that most people would consider 'healthy'. Why? Because it would put me over my calories for the day. I was determined to stay within range.

I ate dinner at 3:30pm because I was so hungry.  So yes after I put Lil Man to bed, I was hungry again.. and this time I said forget it and just ate what I wanted... all that I wanted... with no regard to hunger/fullness or anything. I just ate. I was over my calories.. why not?

So I decided the next day to up the calories a bit, try harder, stay focused, where's my will power? What's wrong with me? It's just food for goodness sake... but by the end of the day I was still focusing on a number not my body. And not everything is exact when it comes to calories. Didn't I read somewhere that calories can be up to 25% inaccurate? (http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/how-accurate-are-calorie-counts.html)

And wasn't it tracking that sort of put me into this position? I don't ever remember having the all or nothing attitude until after I started tracking. I would get frustrated that I couldn't stay within range and then it was the 'oh well, I blew it anyway attitude'.

So, why would I want to go back to something that has possibly personally led me to this place in the first place?

And the answer is that I don't. I don't feel that I have given intuitive eating enough time.

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I have dieted for so long that I know it's going to take time for me to truly recognize when I actually need food. And it's going to take me time to get over the "must eat it now before I can't have it'. Or I'll start tomorrow". 
I have to say that it is very freeing to know that I can eat. The harder part is re-learning the basic biological function of hunger - eating to fuel my body. 
If you are interested in in the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating, you can find them on this website. 
I know this will not be an overnight weight loss type thing. I also know that I might not reach my 'goal' weight, because honestly 105 may not actually be realistic for me at this stage in my life. 
Instead, I'm going to work hard on changing my focus to learn to love me again - all of me - inside and out. These short muscular legs are mine - and I hope to some day love the rest of me also - without so much criticism. 

I honestly wish I'd heard about Intuitive Eating way back when... before I ever tried to lose down to race weight... or before food became my enemy. But I can't live in the past. I can only learn from past mistakes and move forward.....

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