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I'm Embarrassed By My Lack Of Control

*hanging my head in shame here*. Really, I'm truly embarrassed. So this is what happened. I'm struggling with doing my strength training. I was doing great as long as I was working with a trainer. But the funds for that ran out, and I'm left to my own devices to stay motivated and push myself to get the job done.

Well.... I haven't. I had my last session with my trainer last Monday and didn't really pick up a weight since.... not one bicep curl was performed, or chest press, or lunge.. you get the picture.

So last night I was determined that was going to change. I looked up the gym schedule and decided on the insane 5:15am class. I went to bed early. Fell asleep fairly quick (which isn't normal for me), and then Hubby came to bed late. He woke me up and I couldn't fall back to sleep. As in it was 2am and I'm fuming - absolutely fuming because I have laid awake all night with the goal of getting up at 4:30am to go workout. Around 2:30ish or so, I turned off the alarm. I knew it wasn't going to happen.

But I was angry - more angry that I should have been.
In the big scheme of things it wasn't that big of a deal, but I allowed it to snowball out of proportion. I was angry that I was awake. Angry that I am still struggling to do strength training on my own. Angry that at times I feel so alone with the things that I do in life. Angry I was hot. Angry that there was too much light in the room. Angry at my lack of control with things in my life that I know I should have under control. I think you get the picture.

At 6:45am this morning, I grumbled to Hubby and got out of bed. I went downstairs to workout, but I checked the computer first (procrastinating much???). I saw on facebook that there had been an accident and the main road was shut down - for hours. And had I got up when I had first planned I still wouldn't have been able to get to the gym. In fact, I would have either had to turn around and come right back home, or I would have been sitting for quite a long time on the highway to then be sent back home.

Talk about a wave of guilt and embarrassment for my actions, and a quick prayer of thanks that the events that I was so angry about had happened - because those events could have very well kept me safe.

I finally got off of the computer and got in a strength workout, along with some balance work.

I'm still struggling to push myself when I strength train  by myself. But as I've said it before, and I'll have to keep reminding myself I'm sure, but this is MY journey. I need to stop comparing my journey to others. This one is MINE. And with my running (Becoming The Woman I Am Meant To Be) this also applies to other areas in my life.

Just like I had to push through the fear with running, I need to step outside of my comfort zone with strength training. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm not there yet.

And on a side note, I need to work on exercising some some self control.

"For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

My journey to a healthier me continues...

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