Bib #109

Lots of emotions this week.. I turned 40 on Monday. The day was actually more difficult than I thought it would be.

Last night I looked at the registration information, and I'm officially registered. It was really weird to see my name, location and then 40 as the age. This marathon will be my first race at 40. Why not start off this decade with a marathon? :) I'm bib number 109.

I don't feel ready - not mentally or physically. So I have 10 more days to get my head in the right place. Even in writing this post, I wanted to say marathon attempt instead of marathon. Honestly, I'm really afraid I'm going to fail. I've never been one to have a lot of confidence in myself. And right now, I'm still searching to find the confidence in me. I think it's there (somewhere). I just have to dig deeper and find it.

I'm not the typical marathon runner. In fact, I still have a hard time seeing myself as a 'distance' runner. I was just getting my confidence about running longer distances when events seemed to change, and that confidence was truly shaken.

I'm slow. I will never qualify for Boston which is a good thing since that isn't a dream of mine. I don't even think I'm a 'middle of the pack' runner. When it comes to distance, I think I'm more the 'bringing up the rear' kindof girl.

So, why am I doing this? Why last June did I decide to train for a marathon (got injured, got well, and immediately started training again)?  There so many many reasons why. Some too personal to say. But one main reason is 'just because'. I need to do this for me. I need to show myself that I can tackle something such as a marathon, and that I can succeed. I need to see just how strong I really am.

I need to face my fear of failure.