A Sense of Self

Why am I still going to try to run this marathon when I'm dealing with major setbacks? I finally stopped today after numerous tears and asked myself this question. 

There will always be haters. There will always be those in life who will tell you that you 'can't' or that you just aren't good enough. There will be times when you feel as though you need support, but you aren't getting it in the way that you feel you need it. 

This is one of those times.

And the seemingly lack of support from the ones who are supposed to love me beyond everything hurts the most. Maybe they are concerned for my health? Maybe they do have my best interests at heart? Or maybe they could really care less about this major milestone in my life? Maybe they just don't understand? 

So why am I insisting that I go ahead and try to complete the Philadelphia Marathon? It goes deeper than the  fact that I've been training since June. Training which included numerous super early morning runs while my family slept. Runs on the treadmill during nap time when there were so many other things that I could been doing. Runs where my legs felt like lead before I even took my first step. But I took those steps anyway. 

But no, I'm not simply insisting on trying this marathon because of my months of training. 

When I became pregnant, my life changed. From the second I conceived it was all about the baby and no longer about me. I gave up running for the safety of the pregnancy. Once Lil Man was born, and I became a Mom, I was no longer and never will be the person that I was before him. Every moment of my life is putting him first. Even when I'm trying to take some 'me' time, my mind still goes to 'Is he ok? Is his needs being met?'. Along this path of Motherhood, while gaining so much more, I still lost a part of me. 

Running gives me the sense of self. It give me the sense of accomplishment, setting a goal and seeing myself reach that goal. It is that little piece of me that is mine. It's the pat on the back that I need that day for a job (run) well done to get through yet another toddler meltdown. 

Yeah, Lil Man got sick about 4 weeks ago and shared his bug with me, a bug that lasted over 2 weeks. As soon as I rebounded from that, I had pain 'down there' but thought it would go away. After a week of the pain getting worse, I went to the Dr and had surgery the following day. All in all, I haven't been able to run for about 4 weeks. It's not the best scenario to try to run a marathon with the missed training and two weeks post surgery. But my surgeon said I could run if I could 'run through the pain'. 

What I didn't realize was that not only was I going to be fighting the physical pain, but also the emotional pain of the naysayers of me attempting this. 

What they don't understand is that I need this for me. I need to do this for me. I need to show myself that I have the guts to at least try to do this. The idea of me even attempting a marathon is a major milestone. I've never been a great runner. Heck, most would classify me as a jogger verses runner because I'm on the slower side of the scale. So the commitment by me to even train for this marathon was a BIG deal, a bigger deal than most realized. 

Yes, there will be other races. Yes, I could just withdraw and not try. I wouldn't be the first runner to do this, and I wouldn't be the last. 

But mentally, right now, I need this. I need to succeed. I need to cross that finish line. But I can't cross if I don't try. 

So unless I have more obstacles thrown my way this week, I'm going to try to complete my first marathon next week. 

I'm going to grit my teeth, bear down and put one foot in front of the other. 

I might not finish. But at least I can say that I tried and no one can take that away from me.