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When Race Photos Make You Cringe

Finally ready to let you in on what I've been feeling...

I mean I should have known. When I put on my clothes that fit last year but haven't worn them yet this year, and they were lets just say snug in all the wrong places. I mean, you can't run an entire 10K with your stomach sucked in can you? And eventually there is going to be a friend or a photographer somewhere who is going to snap that photo.. the one that makes me cringe. And I saw several this time from my Hershey 10K

Actually it's basically one major problem area for me.. my stomach. I suppose we all have our areas of our bodies that we might not like. But it's an area for me that I'm very self conscious about, that I always try to hide, and lately well ... I've shed tears over.

I'm struggling very much with body image as I write this...
I'm not proud of it. I said that I wouldn't be held captive or obsessed by food again, but the reality is.... I am. Because I really want to lose the extra weight. I am not seeking the perfect body. I'm no longer looking for the pre-baby body. I'd like to just get back to my before picture... joking... well... actually not really... because I'm probably larger now than my before picture.

I feel that intuitive eating is actually on the right path for me, but with that I'm still not fully trusting my body. I'm also just well... not happy with the fact of possibly not losing weight. I want to lose the extra pounds. Currently with intuitive eating, I've been maintaining my weight (within 5lbs or so).  But this is still at least 15lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I have a closet FULL of clothes that I CAN'T WEAR. Some clothes still with tags on them. And yes, these are clothes that I bought LAST year in a LARGER size than the previous year because I had already gained weight from the year before that. No matter how many times that I tell myself that I look great, or fix the camera angle, the truth is I'm not happy with me. I don't feel healthy. I feel tired, sluggish and blah.

Between starting this post a few weeks ago, and writing it now, I've actually gained a couple more pounds with back and forth trying to find what works for me. That all or nothing thing gets me every time with trying to track my food. I go over and say "I'll start tomorrow. I might as well finish off the rest of this or that since I'm over anyway." Hey, call me weak. Call me whatever. I'm just being honest.

But as of today I'm trying two things.. I'm doing #iifym . I did change my percentages from the original ones that I got from the calculator. I have upped my carbs. I did a little research online and saw where other runners who do #iifym usually have 40% carbs instead of the 30% that I was told to eat. I will see how that works. I do know that I really struggled through my runs with the fewer carbs. So I'm hoping that this helps. Also, I'm still WAY over on fat. I mean almost every day I'm over on fat (and yes I'm talking about days where I don't eat Ice Cream!). So I'm trying to be mindful of what foods I'm putting into my body.

Also, I'm cutting sugar again. I haven't decided on a time-frame yet. I'm thinking I'll cut sugar (other than natural sugar) until Mother's Day. Then I will try moderation again.

I don't believe that diets work. I don't. So part of me feels like this is counterproductive to even try to do this..... but the other part of me is still searching for my answer....

So I guess you could say that I'm doing intentional eating (trying to choose healthy foods with the 80/20 rule) while loosely following the if it fits your macros diet.

I never in my life thought that I would be 44 and struggling with food issues like this. I mean I guess I was always a little chunky due to my body type - but here I am.


I do believe it's important to love your body wherever you are. I just know that there is a healthier version of me in there... and I'd really like to see her.







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