And I have decided to do something about it. I'm about half way through with the book Intuitive Eating (affiliate link). So I still have a lot to learn, and this will definitely be a process.
The end goal is to eat when I'm hungry. Stop when I'm full. And let my body return to a natural happy weight. I realize this might not be a 'goal' weight that I had in my head. I'm not sure where that will wind up being on the scale. In fact, the book encourages you not to weigh. The scale, it's a number, and it should not dictate my mood for the day.
Yeah, I've weighed ha ha. Hey, I said it's a process! And yes, the number did make me frown. But I quickly recovered. It's a number.
And technically, I'm in phase one which is allowing myself to eat the foods that have been forbidden. I'm working on tuning into my body, and learning how to listen to it again.
But for the first time in years, I am eating without guilt, without regard to calories or grams of fat, protein or carbs. And I'm no longer eating everything because I'm 'starting over' tomorrow. There is no starting over. It's living today. It's knowing that I can eat whatever I want to eat.
It's knowing that I'm not being good or bad. It's knowing that I don't have to earn my food. It's knowing that food isn't a reward. It's learning that food shouldn't replace feelings. It's learning to trust myself.
It's knowing that there is hope. It's feeling freedom.
And I have to say - it's quite liberating.
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