Gone are the days in my 20's and 30's where I could drop 5lbs in one week by well, not changing much at all. Since I had Lil Man and I dieted to lose the 50lbs that I had gained during pregnancy, plus marathon training and dieting to try to get to ideal race weight, well my weight has been an issue for me - both physically and mentally.
I guess that was my first time that I actually tried to lose more than a few vanity pounds, and well since then I have struggled ever since. And I'd honestly like to know why, because I think if I figure out the why then maybe I can find a solution (for me).
And what I really want...
really and truly want.. is to just eat without worrying about calories, which food group, is it bad or good, will it make me gain weight or retain water... or actually lose weight.
What I really want is do is stop the "all or nothing" attitude. The I messed up, I'll start over tomorrow, so I eat everything and I mean everything today. I want to LISTEN to my body. I want to know my body again, because honestly, I don't even know my own body right now. It's very foreign to me.
Last week I knew I was hungry - I knew I was - but I wouldn't eat - it would be too many of this or that because of what I was eating later. Then I said forget it and ate.. and then I said forget it and ate and ate and ate because I had already 'messed' up.
Well this is messed up... this way of thinking.. this way of living.. this way of fearing the scale when it's up, loving the scale when it's down. And this is not the way that I want to live.
So I don't know what to tell you, and I almost didn't update this week. But I said that I would be honest and transparent about this journey... so this is it.. honesty along with a side of frustration.
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