Monday, March 18, 2013

Low Point

I've hit a low point. It's such a low point that the thought of never running again has fleeted through my brain. I let the thought rattle around for awhile, wallowed a little in the thought of it, then shooed it away. Who am I kidding? I love running. I can't say that I love 'training' sometimes, or getting up at 4am to run in the cold, or coordinating schedules to get in a 4 hour run. So yes, there are times that I 'dread' a run especially if it's a long difficult one that I may not fancy. But I enjoy running. And I wear the label of runner with pride.

I wanted to be a part of something here. And I thought running helped me be that 'part'. But, I'm realizing that I don't think it did.

And I've hit a part of the training where my confidence was wavering simply because that's really my personality. I've never really been one to have a lot of self confidence or really believe in myself. So this time I was putting a lot of stock in people around me to help me with the confidence thing. And for the first time, I was really starting to feel like I was a distance runner. Then, circumstances changed. I caught the flu from my son, and my support no longer support me for this race as they feel it wouldn't be a wise decision.

So I've cried, and I've cried some more, and I'm crying still.

The easy thing would be for me to just quit, and not try the race, not face the fear of failure. To me, that would be the easiest route. But I don't think that's the best route for me. Sometimes the easiest path isn't the best path to take.

And I think I need to try. I might not finish. I might not make it past 10 miles, but if I give it all I have, I will know that I at least tried... that I didn't give up on me.... because right now, the easiest thing to do would be to give up on me...



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