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I Ran

Mentally and physically in pain - I ran. I ran from the fact that I thought I was possibly pregnant. Until my pelvic region was gripped by pain last night and then I knew that I wasn't. Or if it had been, it no longer was. I ran from everything that I hated about myself. I ran from the fact that I can't even do something that is natural such as make a baby. I ran from every flaw. I ran from the fear. I ran and I cried and I cried and I ran. Strangers stared at me. I know they were trying to decide if I was in pain or just plain crazy. I wanted to look at them and say, I'm a little of both. I ran until my breath was ragged and no more tears would flow. And then I turned around and I ran toward love. I ran toward the love of my husband - a man who puts up with me when the reality is there are times that I wouldn't even put up with me. I ran toward the love of my family. I ran toward the love of Self, and the love of friends. I looked over and my eye glanced at some graffiti scrawled on a pole. It said "the future is unwritten". A smile crept across my face .... And I ran toward hope. Not hope that someday I would be a Mom as I know that may never happen. But the hope that someday I will stop defining myself by the lack of motherhood, or that not being a Mother makes me somehow less of a person. 5 Miles and 48:51 later, covered in sweat and salt - no longer crying.

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