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Using An App To Help Me Stay On Path

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Hello there you blank beautiful screen. It's been awhile. I took a little time last week to just step back, disconnect, and honestly breathe. I felt myself needing a breather and a moment to adjust to going back to work (part-time), Lil Man going to school full time, soccer and running for him, and just daily life. You know what I mean.

My typical morning is starting to consist of some type of early morning workout, rushing home to get lunches made, making sure I'm back in time so hubby can get to work, grabbing a quick shower, getting Lil Man to the bus stop, finally getting breakfast for me, packing my work bag, getting laundry started, cleaning up the kitchen, taking the dogs in and out and in and out...  and if possible I try to get caught up on email/social media before I head into work.

But I'm back and feeling a little more like I have things under control. I think I'm finding

I Ran

Mentally and physically in pain - I ran. I ran from the fact that I thought I was possibly pregnant. Until my pelvic region was gripped by pain last night and then I knew that I wasn't. Or if it had been, it no longer was. I ran from everything that I hated about myself. I ran from the fact that I can't even do something that is natural such as make a baby. I ran from every flaw. I ran from the fear. I ran and I cried and I cried and I ran. Strangers stared at me. I know they were trying to decide if I was in pain or just plain crazy. I wanted to look at them and say, I'm a little of both. I ran until my breath was ragged and no more tears would flow. And then I turned around and I ran toward love. I ran toward the love of my husband - a man who puts up with me when the reality is there are times that I wouldn't even put up with me. I ran toward the love of my family. I ran toward the love of Self, and the love of friends. I looked over and my eye glanced at some graffiti scrawled on a pole. It said "the future is unwritten". A smile crept across my face .... And I ran toward hope. Not hope that someday I would be a Mom as I know that may never happen. But the hope that someday I will stop defining myself by the lack of motherhood, or that not being a Mother makes me somehow less of a person. 5 Miles and 48:51 later, covered in sweat and salt - no longer crying.

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